She Told Me I Was Fat. That Day Lasted a Lifetime: What A Mistake!
I was called into her office.
I couldn’t help but notice how cold everything felt. It was impersonal and gray.
But this was the moment I had been waiting for.
Did I have a chance at this modeling thing?
Could I make the cut?
She eyed me up and down.
“I think you could do well around here with some of our smaller clients. But if you want to pursue the bigger agencies you are going to have to lose all of that weight.”
I knew I had gained a little bit of curve just by growing into the awkward age of 13, but “lose all of that weight”?
I didn’t really understand.
She assured me that one of the instructors at the agency would talk to me about a diet. She would help me start a plan to lose the weight.
With that, I was shooed out the door.
I was 13 years old, 5’8 and 123 lbs.
And those words never left me. They have lasted a lifetime.
From there stemmed a few years of off and on binging and purging. I wanted to lose some weight and make sure I wasn’t “getting fat”. But self-control was not my strength.
Not being a believer at the time, I checked my heart at the door. My value was found in my outward appearance so I wanted to keep that “under control”.
An attempt at modeling was soon traded in for attention seeking. I wanted continual validation from whoever would give it to me. Just please tell me I’m not fat and “pretty enough”. Slowly I quit the binging and purging. But that too was a trade-off.
I clung to every fad diet and diet pill under the sun. Or I just didn’t eat much of anything at all.
I wasn’t overweight that that point. But I was miserable.
Now looking back I see. In some of the darkest pits of my life emotionally and relationally, I looked the “best” outside according to the world’s standards.
I had no heart and body image connection.
Life hit fast forward.
I had 4 kids in 5 yrs. My body and body image were a mess.
By His Grace, I came to the point of truly wanting more of Jesus and less of me in all areas. And He began to move.
God did an amazing work in my heart during those years to bring me to an understanding of my identity in Him. I knew my worth wasn’t dependent upon my outside appearance. I am valued, loved and cherished because of Christ in me.
But I still wasn’t able to submit my weight and the care of my body to the Lord.
The pressure to lose the weight after each kid was too much. I gave up the scale for fear of not having the right heart and measuring myself constantly. We haven’t owned a scale in years.
Yes, I did lose that baby weight – but then came baby #5 (who is ahem … 3 now). But as I’ve struggled along, most often against my own flesh, I’ve realized once again my heart is not right…
I want to control my weight and in the same breath, I don’t want to do anything about it.
I want to be one who can just eat whatever she wants and not worry about it.
I don’t want to do the hard work and exercise self-control.
Or, in an instant, I can flip it all on its head and decide I want to micromanage all that I do with “quick loss diets” and make my goal only outward.
I struggle with balance. Heart and Body Balance.
And without balance I do nothing. Do you know that feeling too?
Friend, I’m tired of doing nothing. I’m tired of the weight and clinging to it all with white knuckles. I have decided I’m letting go and stepping out.
I’m going to learn how to do it with a healthy Faith and Food Connection.
A Heart and Body Balance to honor THIS body as God’s temple!
Full Disclaimer here – I need as much help as I can get. I can NOT do this on my own and I’m not going to pretend I can anymore. I’ve wasted years trying it on my own!
This is where Faithful Finish Lines comes in!
It’s an Online Healthy Eating & Fitness Program for Christian Women. It’s headed up by my amazing friend Sara of The Holy Mess and Becky of So Very Blessed who have both experienced losing 100 pounds and keeping it off. They also share a heart for helping others find freedom in Christ by building faith and a healthy lifestyle!
They are real women who are in the trenches with us facing the battles of former food addictions, fitting exercise into busy schedules, owning up to our body image issues… friends they get it.