5 Ways to Teach Your Daughter Modesty From the Heart

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If you’ve been a girl mom for any length of time, you’ve probably struggled to find acceptable wardrobe options for her. Skinny jeans, plunging necklines, and pants plastered with saying across the rear abound on the clothing store racks. Costumes for dance recitals seem to get shorter and skimpier every year.

The fashion trend in our culture is not to cover up, but to show it off!

Even though my daughter is only six, the battle over appropriate outfits has already begun. She practically lives in leggings, and it’s a fight to get her into a pair of jeans once in a while.

I don’t want it to become an even bigger battle later on when the stakes are higher. For her right now, it’s all about comfort.

But I know in the not too distant future, she won’t understand why she can’t wear the comfy, see-through shirt or the daisy duke shorts that may be a stumbling visual block.

We have to be careful that as our daughters are growing and maturing, though, we don’t force a bunch of man-made rules on them. Modesty is so much more than just making sure your top doesn’t reveal too much cleavage; it’s an attitude of the heart! 

A woman who is covered up can still have a thoroughly immodest attitude. Each of us must be less concerned with rules of dress and more concerned with the heart of the matter before the Lord.

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Here are 5 practical ways to teach your girl about true modesty:

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Teach her humility.

Your daughter must understand the importance of a modest heart before you even begin discussing the issue of dress with her. True modesty means not purposely drawing attention to one’s self. Your daughter may not wear immodest clothing, but she may still obsess over matching the colors of her outfits or spend hours in front of the mirror on her hair.

Pride and vanity can be so very subtle. And honestly, pride and vanity can almost seem pretty cute when they come packaged in a sweet little person whom you love and adore. But pride is still a sin and must be dealt with.

Teach her from a young age that she shouldn’t dress in a certain way because her friends will think she’s pretty or compliment her. When she says “so-and-so will love my outfit”, respond with “I bet she’ll be really happy to see you, too!” Steer her heart towards the underlying problem- pride points others to one’s self; humility points people toward Jesus.

Share with her what it means to honor the Lord.

An attitude of modesty begins with a desire to honor God. Talk with your daughter about what this looks like in her day to day life. When we seek to bring honor and glory to Him, we will be more concerned with what’s acceptable to God instead of what’s acceptable to the world. We will seek to represent the characteristics of our Creator, which include orderliness and natural beauty.

Some questions you can help her think through are:

  • Does this more closely resemble love for the world or love for God? (1 John 2:15-17)
  • Does this show that I’m set apart for holiness? (I Thessalonians 5:23, 2 Timothy 2:21)
  • Does this encourage others to pay attention my external attributes or my inner beauty? (1 Peter 3:3-4)

These questions apply to all matters she will face in life, not just dress.

Don’t judge others.

Personal convictions shouldn’t be a measure by which we condemn other people. Pointing out how other girls are dressed at her school or out at the mall can inspire a lack of humility in your daughter’s heart. When you draw a sharp comparison between her clothing choices and another person’s, it sets her up to judge or look down on someone else.

It’s helpful instead to say things like, “This is what the Bible teaches, and this is how God has led our family to apply it. Other families are accountable to God for their choices, just like we are.” We will all have varying opinions of what is attention-grabbing, and what is simple, acceptable adornment.

Avoid overemphasizing the “stumbling block” principle.

The stumbling block principle says that out of love for fellow believers and a desire to prefer them over ourselves, we should be careful not to cause them to stumble, or be tempted. However, it should not be the sole reason for modesty, nor should it be used to incite fear of punishment because we somehow “make” another person sin. 

The last thing you want to do is make your daughter ashamed of her body! This is the same body reserved for intimacy with her husband, and the same one that will give life to your grandchildren someday. The Bible doesn’t forbid women to be beautiful. It says beauty is fleeting (Proverbs 31:30), so it’s not wise to invest so much time in personal appearance, but we don’t have to hide or downplay our natural beauty.

While it’s probably not a good idea for your daughter to wear that string bikini to the pool party, she doesn’t have to settle for an unseemly frock either. Again, as we honor our Creator we should aim to reflect Him, and being disorderly and disheveled are not traits of His. A preoccupation with modesty is still a preoccupation with self.

Set a good example.

While you’re still in control of what she wears because you have the pocketbook, keep in mind that what looks super cute and innocent on her now might make an altogether different statement ten years from now! A good rule of thumb to follow is: if you wouldn’t buy the same outfit for her at 13 that you would at 3, don’t get it.

While modesty does mean the attitude of your heart, it should also be reflected in your external appearance. Modesty is fleshed out through lifestyle.

So help your daughter establish a habit early of selecting flattering, but tasteful clothing. And pay attention to what you wear and how you may be calling attention to yourself. The Bible is clear that what’s in our hearts comes out in our way of life (Proverbs 27:19, Mark 7:21-23). Modesty starts in the heart, but it doesn’t end there.

Ultimately, help your daughter see that we’re allowed, within the confines of modesty and humility, to live within our cultural norms where they do not compromise our obedience to Christ. There are plenty of fashionable, modest, and feminine clothing choices that do not purposely draw attention to ourselves. We are freed from unnecessary burdens when we just want to please our Savior!

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 FOR THE BOY MOM

Are you ready to raise Godly boys? Have you ever felt being a mother is like experiencing the heart of God? Sarah Benny of Precious Womb shares 3 points she believes are important to focus on while they are growing up in  Raising Godly Boys – Are You Ready?


∞ ABOUT THE AUTHOR ∞

Marisa is a homeschooling mom of two and author of Bucking The System: Reclaiming Our Children’ Minds For Christ, published in January 2016. She writes to encourage women to find purpose and joy in their God-given calling as mothers, helping them raise children with a biblical worldview. She relies on Jesus and coffee to get her through the day, and loves marveling at the cultural differences between New Jersey where she grew up and Oklahoma where her family has been transplanted! 

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You can find her here Called to Mothering ¦ Facebook ¦ Twitter ¦ Pinterest ¦ Instagram ¦ 

 

Read Next:  Girls Created to Shine: Equipping Tween Girls to Pursue Their Identity in Christ

 

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4 thoughts on “5 Ways to Teach Your Daughter Modesty From the Heart”

  • I am so thankful that this was not another one of ‘those’ posts that shame and have a bunch of ‘modest’ rules to follow. I also appreciate Marisa’s reasonable approach to not becoming a ‘stumbling block’. Great post – especially since I usually cringe when I see this topic;)

    • Hey Aimee! I completely agree with you. It all comes down to the heart, not the regulations. Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. It’s such a blessing to be able to share posts like this on true modesty. She did such a great job!

  • My struggle is in hindsight. Modesty has been a conversation we’ve had since they began dressing themselves. But teaching them to not judge others by our personal standards is hard. To explain our standards and that the bible doesn’t say “Don’t wear belly shirts” or “your skirt should be long enough to cover your pockets” – those are mommies convictions – always leads to arguments with my oldest. She is very black and white. Try as I may we have hushed conversations ever time we walk into Walmart about the other girls dress…

    • Hey Friend! Yes, it is super important that they understand the heart of it not only for themselves but for others so they don’t judge. We have had that flare up at times with various topics. We’ll talk about the whole thought of God knowing and desiring our hearts by leading with the question of so why do you think that is a wrong choice? Why would you choose differently in that situation? That often (of course not always) for us opens up a door to some bigger heart topics instead of the focus on the outward. We’ve also discussed the whole “we can’t expect those who don’t know God to behave like they do” type of thing. Also – often I remind them that their own Mom chose immodest options before becoming a believer and that my heart wasn’t deeply convicted on it for years after becoming a Christ follower- for me personally it was a process – a heart process. I share that in the past during those times I could dress modestly but have an immodest heart before God. Really that is usually what connects their thoughts and brings the most conversation. Why Mom? What did you think then? Do you wish you wouldn’t have made that choice? Now you know God’s way is best right? 🙂 “Funny” how God uses my mess and wrong choices to teach my children His right path 🙂

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